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oh_what_can_it_meanOuttakes from Part One
Conversation about different people's "defining characteristics." A person's defining characteristic is different depending on who's observing. From Ara:
"Obi-Wan Kenobi is the sassiest bitch in bitchville. I'm the saltiest. Kressa Carlin is the voice of reason without being a buzzkill. Quinlan Vos is packing heat but super chill."
Cin: "I didn't need to know that."
Bes: "Neither did I."
Kar-ra: "I could stand to hear more."
Cherrai, teasing: "There's a time and a place for that sort of salacious gossip, Master."
Ara: "Kar-ra is really good at really bad puns. Padawan Taamas sure seems to have a talent for callbacks... Jitters is always eager to please but never a doormat. [To Cin] You've been there and done that and have nothing to prove. ( in private: you feel like safety.) [To Si] You make being a crusty old curmudgeon endearing. [To Bes, over laughter] You have some of the biggest Big Heart Energy I've ever seen. Master Yoda lets a person be weird without making them feel like a weirdo. Master Jo never makes you feel like you've asked a stupid question, even if you totally have."
Talking about Obi-Wan's vigil, and before that, turning down Ara's date proposition.
Master Bes says something about Ara poking fun at Obi-Wan at his vigil.
Ara, with a casual shrug: "He wanted a little sister, he kriffing got one."
Cin: "Wait, that was Kenobi?" Ara nods, sighing. [12/12/24: Ara: "Guess I wasn't short enough."]
Kar-ra: "That was Kenobi when?"
Ara: "I asked him out years ago, back before either of us was knighted. He said he sees all of his crechemates as siblings but especially me because it was his dad who brought me to the Temple when I was an infant." (TKTK something else)
Kar-ra: "Even so, dick move, Kenobi."
Ara: "Nah, he's not a dick, just a dork. Which is a Force-blessed miracle if you think about it." She looks at the three Masters: "I mean! Sorry..."
Si: "Relax, kid. I've called Qui-Gon much worse over the decades."
Ara: "So have I--well, since Obi-Wan became his padawan, but it's not usually three very respected Masters that I'm waxing salty in front of." (fix that grammar/wording)
>> Ara about salle moment: "The Battlemaster said, 'do you yield?' and my last brain cell rolled over and bared its neck."
>> Master Bes's face took on a thousand-meter stare, and he was blushing.
>> Ara, smiling, teasing gently: "That looks like empathy, Master Bes."
>> Bes: "Different Battlemaster, same absolute adolescent mortification. At least you spoke up while you were still young."
>> Ara: "I know different people experience the Force in different ways. I don't get visions or prophetic dreams, but sometimes I get nudges. More often than not it's what I call the wingman side of the Force. It's usually just a nudge-toward, or a nudge-away, but sometimes the nudges-away are of the 'not yet' variety. and after years of nudges-away of the 'not yet' variety, I finally got the nudge-toward, and I pounced."
>> Cin: "Years? The first time you propositioned me was less than a month after you were knighted."
>> Ara: "Are you sure you want to know? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
>> Cin: "On second thought, never mind."
Ara, talking about Obi-Wan's vigil: "...and he's like, 'Master Yoda is very polite when he pounds your face into the practice mats.'"
Bes: "I remember that. I also remember you switching up the music for a little bit."
Si: "Until Obi-Wan glared her into submission."
Ara: "Well, I was a guest in his home, and it was his vigil. If we'd been anywhere else, I'd have busted his chops for much longer. Especially after Master Yoda yes-and'ed him!"
Cin: "He did?"
Ara: "Yes! He said something like 'Pound your face I will later.' And that was after saying he'd have to beat Brother Ospen off with his stick if he saw Obi-Wan's sketchbook!"
(light laughter around the table)
Kar-ra: "Was Master Yoda actually talking dirty during a junior knight's recovery vigil or do you just have a pornographic memory?"
(more laughter)
Ara, shrugging: "Probably the latter, but I couldn't help hearing the former. I mean, 'Pound your face I will later.' Also, that was the runner-up one-liner of the day."
"Hey!"
Drallig just looked at her expectantly.
"So, a little bit before you texted me, the jump scare twins tried to crash the party but Siri headed them off. I got out my comm out of habit and Jitters asked if I was texting you again, and I was like, damn, it's like I'm just using him as nightmare repellent, and Master Yoda asked why you and I said it was because you feel like safety, but also, you know, the dreamless sleep of the physically exhausted. And Master Billaba was like, 'tired, sure, but not exhausted,' and Master Gallia said that you have exceptional intuition so you'd know what I needed, and then--" Ara giggles at the memory and pauses to eat some of her mashed tubers--"and then Master Jo says, 'and the stamina to pull it off,' and I'm just like, 'Master Jo, no!' and...wait, that might be a little bit out of order, but while I was waiting for you to respond to my 'trauma dump' comment, Jitters said I should mention what Master Gallia said about your intuition, 'cause that's a hell of a compliment coming from her."
"It is," Drallig replied, looking genuinely flattered.
"And I said something offhand about it going into your metaphorical trophy cabinet next to all the silver medals."
"Silver medals?"
"That's what Master Windu asked, and I explained that it meant 'never comes first,' still only half paying attention, and that's when he said, 'you're the worst,' just, like, totally deadpan."
Drallig's eyes sparkled with amusement as he covered his mouth to muffle his laughter.
>> Ara: "And Master Yoda was still in his nosy era ["why special Cin is?"]--"
>> Si: "Master Yoda will be on his pyre having outlived all of us, and he'll still be in his nosy era."
>> Chuckles around the table, but Ara feels a wave of cold in the Force currents.
>> The Masters and Ara's Archivist friends feel the chill of her reaction.
>> Padawan Taamas: "What in the Force was that?
>> Ara: "I really hope it wasn't a foreboding that Master Yoda...won't outlive me."
>> Yoda: "A cause for sadness this is? Very old I am, very young you are. Relatively long-lived species you are."
>> Ara: "Yes, Master. I know. It's likely I'll outlive every baseline human in this room. I understand and accept those things logically, but mentally and emotionally I've barely scratched the surface. And you're...Master Yoda. You're one of the earliest memories of most living Jedi. An Order--a galaxy--without you in it is somehow even more disturbing to contemplate."
>> Yoda: "Worry not. When call me home the Force does, in order my affairs will be. At rest you should picture me."
>> Ara: "I'm going to picture you on a beach on Naboo, looking like you did in that painting on Obi-Wan's friend wall. You'll have a straw hat and tiny lil' sandals and drink spiced rum from a coconut the size of your head. You'll have earned it."
>> Yoda: "Too small for such a large drink I am. A friend with fast metabolism to share it with I would need."
>> Ara: “Eh, I might be able to consume alcohol by then…”
(what the fuck is this)
"Punchline before the setup: gossip happened, and later Master Windu said I'm the worst."
Drallig threw his head back and laughed. "You probably deserved it."
"Hey!" Ara whined, feigning indignation. He was right, after all.
"What funny is?" came a voice from behind and above Ara. It was Master Yoda, seated on Master Si's right shoulder. Master Bes was in a scooter next to them.
"Knight Melnau was about to explain why Mace thinks she's the worst."
"Well, my curiosity is piqued," rumbled Master Si.
"Entertaining, this should be. Knight Melnau a way with words has." The three elders joined Ara and Drallig at their table after Drallig makes a gesture of welcome.
"This is why I overshare, you know," Ara points out, "wise old masters telling me that it's okay to be weird and that there's no shame in sharing one's weirdness."
"Okay to be weird it is," reassures Master Yoda. "Apologize for interrupting you, we do."
"Master Yoda, you were there!"
"Your perspective I would like to hear, if comfortable sharing it you are."
Maybe just an outtake:
The doorbell rings, startling Ara but not Drallig.
"It's Padawan Avayu, and he's upset about something. Would you let him in and make tea? I'll be right back." He points at his now slightly-disheveled hair, and Ara hands him his hairtie.
When Ara answers the door, Padawan Avayu is glancing around the corridor nervously and playing with his braid. He's about a foot taller than Ara, with dark brown skin and darker brown eyes, his dyed-maroon hair styled in a neat flat-top.
The young man straightens and looks down at Ara and says, "I--I'm sorry, I thought this was Battlemaster Drallig's quarters."
"You've got the right place," Ara reassures him, smiling. "Come on in. Master Drallig's in the 'fresher, he'll be right back. Would you like some tea?"
"I wouldn't want to interrupt if he has company. I'm sorry to bother--"
"It's fine, Avayu," says Drallig, joining his two guests in the doorway, not a hair out of place. "[how do you say ‘you're not interrupting’ when he's clearly interrupting?]
>> From the main doc: They are interrupted by a padawan who sees Cin as a mentor and ATA (alternative trusted adult) and goes to his quarters to seek advice, like "baby Archivists" had done with Master Jo during Ara's whole apprenticeship (and during many of her visits after).
The padawan is undergoing S-training and has already completed the meditation and the reading and attended the relevant seminars, but now it's time to do the "hands-on" part of the training, and while he's comfortable with the idea of being intimate with his master, he'd rather save his first intimate experience for someone he's in love with. Cin and Ara explain that feeling like that is pretty normal, especially outside of the Order, but as a Jedi you have to worry about attachment. Ara suggests that he talk to Master Yoda, who remembers a time before the formalization of S-training. The padawan has the theory, knows how consent works, knows how to not accidentally compel anyone, knows the mechanics. (maybe suggests condoms to not be "fluid bonded," probably have to explain the term, but the padawan would be able to do his practical and still have a first for this future lover if the padawan wants that) ...Padawan Jarulan Avayu
...or Ara and Cin go to the commissary for dinner and Padawan Avayu recognizes Ara from giving the Consent Seminar, and asks his question to her.
I'll probably bring back Padawan Avayu and his S-training issues, but I'm not currently sure when or how.
Outtakes from Part Two
"I gave you an order. You can follow it, or you can use your safeword, which will put our entire dynamic on hold until we've dealt with this. Though whatever you decide, we're going to talk to Healer Vygor about this at his earliest convenience, so be ready for that in the next couple of days."
Ara and Jitters will wind up having a joint appointment about the events of Part Two, but there wasn't a good point in the final fic while Ara was actively crashing.
"Oh, Jitendra, my sweet, sweet boy, I'm so sorry. I should've been more clear when I called." Ara is crying now too, running on empty physically and emotionally, but determined to fulfill her obligation to her submissive, who was also her best friend. "I had a responsibility to communicate what I wanted in no uncertain terms, and I wasn't clear enough. But you didn't use your scene safeword when you started to feel uncomfortable, and that was your responsibility, and following that rule is very important to me, more than any of the others, given my past. The only power I have over you is that which you have given me, but you haven't given me the power to harm you, and I wouldn't accept it if you did."
Ara turns over and leans on her elbows so that she can look down at her boy, her friend, this person she cared so much for. After a moment, Jitters turns onto his side and meets her gaze head on, despite nervousness bordering on fear that was radiating off of him.
"What's worrying you?" Ara asks.
"I'm afraid you'll end this because I'm more trouble than I'm worth."
Ara yawns widely. "Well that's not gonna happen, and it sounds like a bunch of nerfshit that we'll unpack with Healer Vygor in a day or two because I'm fucking wiped out. Look. We're not ended, we're not paused, we're business as usual. Our dynamic is still in effect, but right now I'm going home to sleep and have a clearer head in the morning. You should try to sleep too. Meditate or rub one out or whatever if you have trouble sleeping. I'm...I'm sorry I'm not better at this."
"I'm sorry I'm not better for you," says Jitters.
"We'll do better tomorrow." Ara gets dressed as quickly as she can, then kisses her boy on the forehead. She waits for her boy's breath to start to even with sleep, then she slips out quietly.
Master Bert is still awake and working on a project at the kitchen table. Ara gives this explanation: "He was ready to let me do whatever I wanted, even if it did him some emotional harm, so I shut that shit down once I noticed that emotional harm was happening. I intend for me and Jitters to have a not-quite-emergency extra appointment with Healer Vygor in the next day or two. I'm too tired to do anything else. I have my regular schedule in the Archives tomorrow, but I'm available by text at any time." Ara bows to the waist, then goes directly home and to bed.
Council Tea
2/28/24
Council Tea like in ATLL chapter 2. (But it's 2 to 3 months before Faithful Friends.)
(There are other salons in the area, per chapter 2)
The cozy nook was lit by small votive candles in carved niches in the wall. Masters and Knights were seated on cushions on the floor. Present are Masters Yoda, Windu, Billaba, Nu, and Gallia, and Knights Melnau, Norwal, and Tachi. Among others.
The part I daydreamed is: Somehow the Jump Scare Twins get to where the Council Tea is being held, and they can see that Ara is there. Siri stops mid-criticism of Ara to say, "I got this" and forcibly takes them back to the creche.
Jitters: "What was that about?"
Ara: "Chick code. Girls protecting girls and all that Urban Scout Girl stuff. Siri was part of the rescue mission from the waking nightmare in which LNF was conceived, and LNF not leaving me alone is upsetting on multiple levels, so if she can prevent a survivor from being re-traumatized, she will, no matter how much she personally dislikes me."
Jitters: "It sounds like she's just being a Jedi."
Ara: "Oh, that too. She may have no chill and less tact, but she's a True Knight." She retrieves her comm unit from an outside pocket of her backpack.
Jitters: "Texting Master Drallig anyway?"
Ara, sighing: "Damn, you're right. I called on him the last time, and the time before that. I don't want him to think I'm just using him as nightmare repellent."
Yoda (sitting next to Nu who is next to Ara): "Repel nightmares? Brandish lightsaber Cin does?" Light laughter from those who heard.
Ara, blushing: "In a manner of speaking, Master. Spending the night with Master Drallig means the dreamless sleep of the physically exhausted."
Billaba: "That wasn't my experience. I was tired, sure, but I wouldn't say exhausted."
Gallia: "He does have exceptional intuition, though. He'd be able to tell what she needed."
[6/2/24: Ara, sometime in this conversation, maybe as the party is breaking up): "Master Gallia, may I tell him what you said about having exceptional intuition? That's a hell of a compliment coming from you." (thinking: boom, double compliment)]
Nu: "And have the stamina to pull it off."
Ara, dramatically: "Master Jo, no! I'm scarred for life!" (others at the salon laugh good-naturedly, going along with her lightening of the mood)
Windu: *rubs tiredly at his face, not wanting to know any of this shit*
Nu, noticing: "There is a time and a place for this sort of salacious gossip..."
Ara, joining her, grinning: "...and it's the Archives break room at lunch time."
(except for Master Yoda, apparently)
Yoda: "Wearing yourself out easy is. Why Cin special is?"
Ara, quietly, after a moment: "He feels like safety, physically and in the Force. I know that true safety is an illusion, but for those few hours, it feels real."
Yoda: "And mind, you think he would? Happy to help, I think he would be."
Jitters: "Especially considering the nature of the help!”
Ara: "No, I don't think he'd mind, not really, but I'd rather it just be fun, y'know, sharing joy with someone I really like, like with my other friends with benefits. Throw in the holding off of nightmares, and it adds the feeling of...I'm not sure how to put it..."
Jitters: "Service?"
Ara, smiling at Jitters: "Close, but not quite." To Yoda: "Of...doing a favor, and how that affects the enthusiasm aspect of enthusiastic consent."
Jitters: "I guarantee you, enthusiasm is not an issue. I can't actually speak for your other friends with benefits, but I'm pretty sure they'd all agree."
(Siri comes back to the group. She nods at Ara, who nods back, then Siri joins a different conversation that's happening at the other end of the roughly rectangular gathering area.)
Yoda: "Care about him, you do."
Ara: "Of course I do! 'Friend' is more important than 'benefits,' after all. But it'd sure be nice if Katarn Clan could keep its ducklings in a row for, I dunno, a month, so we could see how things shake out without the weekly jump scares. I mean, we're both busy active-duty Jedi who also have pre-existing social lives, but it'd be nice to go to a restaurant or a concert or a museum once in a while." She looks down at her comm unit. She'd opened the text messaging application but done nothing else since Jitters had spoken up.
Yoda: "Tell him this, you should. Surprise you, he might."
Jitters: (muttering) "And let me know if you're not spending the night, so I can make sure you get home okay."
Ara: (muttering) "You're never going to let that go, are you?"
Jitters: (muttering) "Nope."
Ara reads the last two messages that she'd exchanged with Battlemaster Drallig. [Do you have any plans tonight?] from her, and [Come on over] from him. When a new message appears in her text chain right before her eyes, she startles noticeably.
Cin, to Ara: [Do you have any plans this evening?]
Jitters, softly: "Are you all right?"
Ara rests her head on Jitters's arm and shows him the message. "Yeah, just surprised. Though maybe I shouldn't be."
Jitters, joking: "You should ask him if his ears are burning."
Ara, to Cin: [No plans. What time?]
[Also, are your ears burning? I was just talking about you.]
Jitters: *laughs helplessly*
Cin, to Ara: [I'm having dinner with Master Clearing this evening, so after that I'll be wanting a distraction. I'll send you a text when it's almost over, if that's alright.]
[Do I even want to know?]
Ara, to Cin: [Sounds like a plan. And I'll tell you all about it in person, I could use a distraction too (jump scare a little bit ago). Do you want to talk about it?]
Cin, to Ara, after a long pause: [But...we don't do that.]
Ara, to Cin, probably too quickly: [Don't we? You've let me trauma dump on you plenty of times.]
[More often than I'd care to admit.]
Cin: [Okay, *I* don't do that.]
Ara: [You *could*. You don't have to, of course. Offer stands, but I won't bring it up again unless you bring it up first. "With benefits" doesn't negate "friends," after all.]
Cin: [Point taken, and thanks. I'll text you when I'm getting ready to leave the South Terrace.]
[And you can tell your twitchy little friend that you're welcome to spend the night.]
Ara and Jitters: *share a horrified look*
Sometime during that conversation it leads to Ara saying to Jitters: "Another obvious addition to his metaphorical trophy cabinet full of silver medals."
Windu: "Silver medals?"
Ara: "Straight men prefer the silver medal in this case. It's a play on words." (or, "If a straight man wants to sleep with the same woman more than once, he goes for the silver medal.")
Windu, getting it: "You're the worst."
Ara, texting Cin, sans context: [Master Windu just said I'm the worst.]
Cin, texting Ara: [You probably deserved it.]
Once Ara and Cin are in Cin's quarters:
Ara: "You're distracted."
Cin: ???
Ara: "Your undivided attention is overwhelming. I am not overwhelmed. Therefore, your attention is divided."
Cin: (talks about how it was Master Clearing's life day, and how it's hard to see him displaced in time, and getting hit with casual dire bits of information about the future. He's released his emotions into the Force, but they keep coming back. It's always on his master's life day that it hits home the most that he's never going to recover.)
Ara has an idea: something that often works for her when she can't stop overthinking something. She summons a footstool with telekinesis, gets up off Cin's lap, and places the footstool right in front of her on the floor. Cin sits and Ara begins to card her fingers through Cin's hair.
Ara: "Is this okay?"
Cin, slowly starting to unwind: "Mmm, yes."
Ara: "Would it be better if I used a brush or comb?"
Cin: "No...this is lovely. You could use your fingernails more." He hums contentedly as Ara does so.
They are interrupted by a padawan who sees Cin as a mentor and ATA (alternative trusted adult) and goes to his quarters to seek advice, like "baby Archivists" had done with Master Jo during Ara's whole apprenticeship (and during many of her visits after).
The padawan is undergoing S-training and has already completed the meditation and the reading and attended the relevant seminars, but now it's time to do the "hands-on" part of the training, and while he's comfortable with the idea of being intimate with his master, he'd rather save his first intimate experiences for someone he's in love with. Cin and Ara explain that feeling like that is pretty normal, especially outside of the Order, but as a Jedi you have to worry about attachment. Ara suggests that he talk to Master Yoda, who remembers a time before the formalization of S-training. The padawan has the theory, knows how consent works, knows how to not accidentally compel anyone, knows the mechanics. (maybe suggests condoms to not be "fluid bonded," probably have to explain the term, but the padawan would be able to do his practical and still have a first for this future lover if the padawan wants that)
Years earlier, days after Obi-Wan's rejection:
>> Ara is in a small workout room off the main gym with the gravity at 2 G's, whaling on a heavy bag.
(conversation)
>> Cin, who's been there via hologram for a few minutes: "You're 24, so developmentally, what, 16? This is totally normal. It's okay to vent your feelings in a way that doesn't harm others or lead to the dark side. Your feelings will run their course whether you like them or not." (Ara will paraphrase this with Cin above)
>> Ara: "Well I already cried, did a really screechy violin piece that I didn't record, cried some more, composed a real piece ("room temperature fire"), and tried to release those feelings into the Force multiple times but they keep rebounding!"
>> Cin: "You'll get there. Give yourself time."
>> Ara sighs and leans against the heavy bag. "This isn't working."
>> Cin: "Why not?"
>> Ara: "It's not eating up enough bandwidth. I can still think. And hitting something that can't feel back doesn't feel good, even when it's an inanimate object that was made for the purpose."
>> Cin: "That's a good thing, it means you still dwell in the Light."
>> Ara: "Battlemaster...do you have time to spar with me? You could hand me my backside without breaking a sweat, even when I'm angry and using my full strength. It'd be as safe as sparring gets, because I couldn't hurt you even if I wanted to, and I really, really don't."
>> Cin, kindly: "Sure. Give me a few minutes, and I'll see you in the main salle."
>> A few minutes later, they bow to each other, then spar for a long time. Cin leaves little openings for her to take advantage of, telegraphs some of his strikes so that she can parry them. Not to let her win--and she doesn't--but so that the spar will last long enough for Ara to get her ya-yas out.
>> Ara is already flushed with exertion and breathing hard when Cin pins her to the wall, a forearm pressing against her collarbones, training-mode lightsaber blade nearly touching her neck, his face mere inches from hers.
>> Cin: "Do you yield?"
>> Her mouth goes dry. She's too aroused to speak, so she merely nods dumbly. She can feel his body heat, and not just from where they're touching. She's intensely aware of the immovable object behind her (the wall) and the unstoppable force in front of her (the Battlemaster). Her breath catches and her eyes widen as she looks up at the Battlemaster, pressing herself back against the wall, feeling pinned beneath his gaze.
>> Cin blinks, leaps back several Force-aided feet, a look of horror (and disgust?) on his face that douses her inappropriate ardor like a bucket of ice water.
>> Not sure what else to do, and not wanting the Battlemaster to see her start to cry, she runs away, not stopping to grab her gym bag on the way out.
>> Ara is dimly aware of the odd looks she gets as she runs away from embarrassment and towards her home and her master, and she doesn't pay them any mind. After all, most if not all of them have seen stranger things than an apparently-teenaged padawan in workout clothes running full out through the Temple.
>> Ara nearly runs smack into the door of Master Jo's and her quarters, but it opens just in time. She does run into her master, but doesn't bowl her over because Master Jo has had a heavy-worlder padawan for just over a decade and can handle a surprise tackle-hug with ease, embracing her tightly, then holding her shoulders at arms' length so that her master can study her face and her Force presence.
>> Jo: "What happened, sweetheart? I just received the strangest call from Battlemaster Drallig. He is very worried about you."
>> Ara, surprised: "He is?"
>> Jo: "Of course he is! Tell me what just happened."
>> Ara: "Yes, master. I was hitting the heavy bag in grav to try to work off my anger at myself for taking Obi-Wan's rejection so badly. The Battlemaster came in via holo and we talked for a bit, then I asked to spar and we did, and he went just easy enough on me so that the spar would last longer and I could wear myself out, and it worked, but when he pinned me to the wall and asked me if I yielded, I had an, um, inappropriate reaction. I thought I was doing better at shielding, or maybe something showed on my face, but it must have been clear that I very much did want to yield, but, like, as a euphemism. I wanted him to, like,--never mind. And he jumped back like he'd been scalded. He looked horrified. Maybe disgusted too? And who can blame him? Surely a twenty-four-year-old can hold off on being perpetually horny on main for one kriffing workout! I'm all passion and no serenity." The tears she's been holding back since the salle spill over and Ara sobs into her hands. Her master pulls her into a tight hug and lets her cry it out.
>> Jo: "Oh, sweetheart. You've had to grow up so much, so fast. Aging too quickly for the novice padawan program but too slowly for the average initiate. You have twenty-four years of life experience, but an artificially lengthened lifespan means an artificially lengthened adolescence, and you're just going to have to be patient with yourself and your body. For now, though, you should take a quick sonic shower, and I'll bring you a change of clothes. Cin is on his way to apologize, because he thinks he scared you. He's also got your gym bag."
>> Ara: *facepalms* "I forgot my comm unit and my datapad. Wow, I'm so Archives."
>> Jo: "Go. All will be well."
>> Ara goes. By the time the sweat and body oils have been lifted from her body, she's stopped crying and released the remainder of her negative emotions into the Force. They'll rebound within an hour or so, but hopefully Master Drallig will have come and gone by then.
>> When she's finished, she changes into the simple smallclothes, tunic, and trousers that Master Jo has left her, then returns to the main living space and finds Master Jo and Master Drallig seated at the kitchen table, sipping tea.
>> Ara, bowing to both: "Good evening, Masters."
>> Jo: "Have a seat, Ara. You're not in trouble."
>> Ara sits. She pours herself a cup of hot tea, adds sugar, stares into the cup while she stirs until the sugar granules have completely dissolved. Finally, she looks up at the two Jedi Masters, waiting for one of them to say the next thing.
>> Cin: "Padawan Melnau, I brought you your things that you left at the salle, but primarily I came to apologize for boxing you in like I did at the end of our sparring match earlier this evening. It was not my intention to frighten you, or to dredge up unpleasant memories."
>> Ara: "Thank you for bringing back my things. That would've been an awkward walk, tonight or in the morning. But you didn't frighten me when you pinned me to the wall. Is that the impression you got?"
>> Cin: "Your shields were pretty tight, so I didn't want to intrude upon your thoughts. Once I pinned you and asked if you yielded, your breathing quickened and your eyes widened. Fear isn't the only emotion that could bring about that response, but it seemed the most likely."
>> Ara: "I thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt here, Battlemaster, but I really don't deserve it. It wasn't fear I was feeling with you. There was a time when I was afraid of humanoid men as a category, but I was never afraid of you as an individual. You just have too much innate kindness to be scary to me. I fled because I was embarrassed by an inappropriate reaction to the way we were both situated when you won the bout, especially after you jumped back like you'd been scalded. You looked horrified, maybe even disgusted, and I was ashamed."
>> Cin breathes a sigh of relief. "Oh. Is that all."
>> Ara, feeling a twinge of annoyance now: "I've been all passion and no serenity ever since I got my groove back, but yes, that's all."
>> Cin: "Padawan Melnau, I promise you, getting hot under the collar after a good spar is not at all uncommon. Isn't that right, Jo?" He grins at Ara's master, and Master Jo rolls her eyes at him.
>> Jo, smirking: "That is right. I remember Yan--"
>> Cin, interrupting: "I don't want to know! Melnau, you said something about getting your groove back?"
>> Ara, looking down at the table, blushing: "This conversation doesn't leave this room?"
>> Cin, genuinely curious now: "I promise."
>> Ara: "I'll try not to overshare too much, but it might happen anyway... Puberty hit like a speeding ground-car when I was fifteen standard, blah blah self-exploration and learning from the senior padawans in Archives how to access age-restricted content. Apparently this is a rite of passage and I was late for a human. I turned sixteen during the stuff and after the stuff, I was just numb in that respect. I thought those feelings and sensations were gone forever. Then, when I was eighteen, at the Sixth Night dancing, I was trying to escape a new docent who thought I belonged with the 'other'" (she makes air quotes) "younglings on the balcony, and I ran into you, with Master Yoda on your shoulder."
>> Cin: "I remember."
>> Ara: "Master Yoda asked why I wasn't dancing, and I said I didn't want to get stepped on." Ara looks at Master Jo for this part: "Master Drallig, in his infinite wisdom, suggested that if Master Yoda was standing on my shoulders, we'd be about the height of the average humanoid. Master Yoda mentioned that he was heavier than he looked, and I was all, 'so am I!,' just happy to have something in common with him. And Master Drallig's like, 'she's Sphinxian, she can handle it,' and I say, 'and this is why you're my favorite instructor,'" (turns to Cin) "and you say,--"
>> Cin and Ara: "'Because I remember your species?'"
>> Ara: "Yeah, that. But it was mostly about remembering the slow-aging thing and not treating me like a particularly dim-witted baseline human. So anyhow, Master Yoda is standing on my shoulders and, sure enough, he's slightly above eye level with Master Drallig. We head out to the dance floor, and I can't see shaavit but backs and elbows, but Master Yoda can see more, so he kinda steers me using my hairites like handlebars--"
>> Jo: "I was wondering why you went with high pigtails when you were trying not to look like a youngling."
>> Ara: "It seemed weird to me too, but it felt right in the Force when I was getting ready. I guess that was why. But he was basically piloting me like a mech suit and I was feeling joyful, and then it was like--you know when you're combing your hair or running your hand through it and you tug on a few individual strands, and it hits a nerve?"
>> Cin and Jo both nod.
>> Ara: "So that happened, Master Yoda pulled my hair and it sent a jolt of electricity through my entire body, and I hadn't thought I was even capable of such a sensation anymore, and this was with Grand Master Yoda and surrounded by hundreds of people, nearly all of them Force sensitive, and I panicked. Master Yoda piloted me off the dance floor and into a quiet alcove, and he talked me down from my panic attack, and then he told me to go home and 'practice self-care.'" She does a brief imitation of Master Yoda's voice. "He said that you and Master Yan were still dancing and that he'd buy me time. And when Grand Master Yoda tells you to go fuck yourself..." She shrugs, raising both hands in a "what can you do?" gesture.
>> Jo: "That night makes a little more sense now."
--
>> The conversation continues for a bit, then Cin leaves. Ara calls ahead and gets permission, then goes to the quarters of Jitters and Master Bert to take out her frustration on Jitters, because Master Jo agreed to finally let Ara get her S-training at 22 on the condition that she not have sexual contact with anyone over the age of 25 standard [outside of the actual S-training] until after she's knighted. (Also, Cin is the fucking Battlemaster and Ara is a padawan. Also, Cin never forgets that Ara is slow-aging. He's known her since her early initiate days, and he was Arrek's crechemate for awhile as a child.)
>> Ara and Jitters are at the beginning of a dom/sub dynamic. They've agreed that, for now at least, this is a starter dynamic, to try out the roles and see what they do and don't like, and what's feasible in a kink dynamic while still being Jedi.
>> Ara and Jitters retire to Jitters's bedroom and Ara says that she was able to get her unrequited-crush ya-yas out (at least temporarily) in a long and satisfying spar with Master Drallig, but then she got all hot and bothered when Drallig pinned her to the wall and asked her if she yielded. She says that she's tired, but running on horny adolescent fumes, and wants to ride him until she's satisfied or runs out of steam. Jitters agrees, and after some foreplay, Ara starts to ride Jitters.
7/25/24: Ara's too tired to ride, she tells Jitters to work her open and then fuck her slowly, which he does.
Author's note: This story contains sort-of underage sex. Jitters is a baseline human who is 20 standard, so regular old of-age (legal adulthood for humans on Coruscant is 18 standard). Ara is 24, but she's Sphinxian, and ages at approximately two-thirds the rate of a baseline human, but at this point in the timeline, very little is known about Sphinxian culture because Sphinx is so insular. Ara is a legal citizen of Coruscant, and became a legal adult at 18 standard, but her master, her therapist, and her healer know that she isn't physically or emotionally mature enough at age 18 to begin her S-training, and due to her "numbness" after The Library Kidnapping, Ara doesn't fight it until she "gets her groove back," as discussed above. Once she does, she chafes at having to wait, but she does wait, however impatiently, because she's living by the padawan code. When she's finally allowed to get her S-training at age 22, it's on the condition that she not be intimate with anyone over the age of 25 (outside of the master/s doing the actual training) until after she's knighted. At this point in the timeline, Ara and Jitters are both post-S and have also made trips to The Teaching Dungeon (with a member of the S-Training Committee who's also a member of the Temple's small kink community) to learn and try new things.
What Ara won't learn until she's in her early thirties is that Sphinx has three distinct castes with different rates of aging, and that she is a Sphinxian Peasant, and on Sphinx a Peasant reaches their legal majority at age 25, and in this story Ara is about six months shy of that. If you're wondering why I'd throw that out there when I didn't have to, the answer is that, yes, I have to. Because informed consent, and because of my time in the Hobbit movies fandom where there were several species (humans, hobbits/halflings, dwarves, elves) that had differing aging rates and lifespans, and a 50 year old Bilbo is different from a 50 year old Kili is different from a 50 year old Aragrn is different from a 50 year old Tauriel. In science-fiction and fantasy, that stuff matters.
If you don't want to read this part because Ara isn't quite of age by Sphinxian standards, I understand. There's a brief, non-explicit summary at the end of the chapter.
Summary at the end of the chapter:
During foreplay/sex, Ara talks about being mad at herself, sparring with Drallig, wanting to "yield" to him.
...
>> It's not long before Ara notices Jitters raise his mental shields, and that he's staring off into the distance rather than meeting her eyes. Those actions worry Ara and she stops. She lifts up off his dick and sits up on her knees, so that her eye level is slightly above his.
>> Ara: "What's wrong?"
>> Jitters: "Nothing, ma'am."
>> Ara: "Then lower your shields."
>> Jitters: "Please, ma'am--"
>> Ara: "Lower your godsdamn shields."
>> Jitters does lower his shields, and Ara is able to see that while Jitters is often happy to be used like this, he's just not feeling it tonight.
>> Ara gets sad and angry that Jitters broke one of her most important rules, that if there's discomfort of any kind about a sex act, he's supposed to speak up immediately and truthfully. Jitters struggles to find the words to say that tonight he wanted individual attention, but as a submissive he wants to prioritize her wants over his. Part of a dom/sub relationship is doing what your dom wants even when you don't want to do a thing, but with Ara's history with TLK, that doesn't apply to sexual situations. Ara is very upset that Jitters was going to just let her do him mental/emotional harm by using him in this way at this time, and gets dressed. She gets dressed, saying that she's too tired and upset to figure out what to do about this tonight, that she'll sleep on it and meditate on it in the morning. Jitters, terrified, asks if she intends to end their dynamic, and Ara assures him that she does not. That this is their first major hurdle and that they'll get through it. She reiterates that no-one is allowed to harm him, herself included.
>> Jitters curls up in a ball on his bed, eyes closed. Ara kneels at his bedside and speaks to him quietly:
>> Ara: "Remember that I'm less than two years out of S-training and I already have a bit of a reputation for being promiscuous, and there are--well, not a whole lot, but definitely at least three people I could have gone to at a moment's notice, and I still came to you to calm down and get off. You're so sweet and eager to please, and your body is a delight from head to toe. I was enjoying your mouth and your hands and your cock."
>> Jitters, uncurling a bit and opening his eyes: "Really?"
>> Ara: "Yes, really. And then you broke the godsdamn rules which is why weren't not still fucking." She rubs tiredly at her face. "We'll talk tomorrow. Get a good night's sleep and meditate on what happened tonight in the morning, and we'll talk once our respective shifts are over. Got that?"
>> Jitters nods.
>> On her way out, she tells Master Bert [who had to approve this dynamic experiment and who needs to know things that affect his padawan] that Jitters was ready to take emotional harm to serve her, and things that actually do harm--different from hurt--to either of them are against the rules. She lets Bert know that she's not ending the dynamic, but she's left him hanging a bit because she's too tired and upset to decide what the consequences should be right now, that she needs to sleep and meditate and maybe talk it out with her master or her therapist. She has her regular shift in the Archives tomorrow, but she's reachable by text.
>> At some point during their early dynamic, after this hurdle, Ara: "Just remember that you are first and foremost my friend, maybe my best friend, and I care about you deeply. I'm enjoying this experiment in Jedi power exchange, but it has to be beneficial to both of us for it to work. I propose that we have a joint appointment with our respective therapists about our dynamic every other month to make sure we're doing things in a healthy way as Jedi, and alternate months we talk to a more experienced D/s pair at the Teaching Dungeon to make sure we're doing the power exchange in a healthy way."
OUTTAKES
=========
(Ara talking to Cin) You just have too much innate kindness to be scary to me. But as I was reminded less than half an hour ago, while I have twenty-four years of life experience, my artificially slow-aging body still thinks it's an adolescent, and this body is going to be horny on main until it reaches its own adulthood and chills the eff out.
>> (Ara) "I ran away because I was embarrassed. It was a cowardly thing to do and I'm sorry I didn't stay and explain myself. But the way you jumped back, you looked horrified, maybe disgusted too, and I was ashamed to have upset you, especially since you'd been so generous with your time and attention and compassion.
===
Conversation about different people's "defining characteristics." A person's defining characteristic is different depending on who's observing. From Ara:
"Obi-Wan Kenobi is the sassiest bitch in bitchville. I'm the saltiest. Kressa Carlin is the voice of reason without being a buzzkill. Quinlan Vos is packing heat but super chill."
Cin: "I didn't need to know that."
Bes: "Neither did I."
Kar-ra: "I could stand to hear more."
Cherrai, teasing: "There's a time and a place for that sort of salacious gossip, Master."
Ara: "Kar-ra is really good at really bad puns. Padawan Taamas sure seems to have a talent for callbacks... Jitters is always eager to please but never a doormat. [To Cin] You've been there and done that and have nothing to prove. ( in private: you feel like safety.) [To Si] You make being a crusty old curmudgeon endearing. [To Bes, over laughter] You have some of the biggest Big Heart Energy I've ever seen. Master Yoda lets a person be weird without making them feel like a weirdo. Master Jo never makes you feel like you've asked a stupid question, even if you totally have."
Talking about Obi-Wan's vigil, and before that, turning down Ara's date proposition.
Master Bes says something about Ara poking fun at Obi-Wan at his vigil.
Ara, with a casual shrug: "He wanted a little sister, he kriffing got one."
Cin: "Wait, that was Kenobi?" Ara nods, sighing. [12/12/24: Ara: "Guess I wasn't short enough."]
Kar-ra: "That was Kenobi when?"
Ara: "I asked him out years ago, back before either of us was knighted. He said he sees all of his crechemates as siblings but especially me because it was his dad who brought me to the Temple when I was an infant." (TKTK something else)
Kar-ra: "Even so, dick move, Kenobi."
Ara: "Nah, he's not a dick, just a dork. Which is a Force-blessed miracle if you think about it." She looks at the three Masters: "I mean! Sorry..."
Si: "Relax, kid. I've called Qui-Gon much worse over the decades."
Ara: "So have I--well, since Obi-Wan became his padawan, but it's not usually three very respected Masters that I'm waxing salty in front of." (fix that grammar/wording)
>> Ara about salle moment: "The Battlemaster said, 'do you yield?' and my last brain cell rolled over and bared its neck."
>> Master Bes's face took on a thousand-meter stare, and he was blushing.
>> Ara, smiling, teasing gently: "That looks like empathy, Master Bes."
>> Bes: "Different Battlemaster, same absolute adolescent mortification. At least you spoke up while you were still young."
>> Ara: "I know different people experience the Force in different ways. I don't get visions or prophetic dreams, but sometimes I get nudges. More often than not it's what I call the wingman side of the Force. It's usually just a nudge-toward, or a nudge-away, but sometimes the nudges-away are of the 'not yet' variety. and after years of nudges-away of the 'not yet' variety, I finally got the nudge-toward, and I pounced."
>> Cin: "Years? The first time you propositioned me was less than a month after you were knighted."
>> Ara: "Are you sure you want to know? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
>> Cin: "On second thought, never mind."
Ara, talking about Obi-Wan's vigil: "...and he's like, 'Master Yoda is very polite when he pounds your face into the practice mats.'"
Bes: "I remember that. I also remember you switching up the music for a little bit."
Si: "Until Obi-Wan glared her into submission."
Ara: "Well, I was a guest in his home, and it was his vigil. If we'd been anywhere else, I'd have busted his chops for much longer. Especially after Master Yoda yes-and'ed him!"
Cin: "He did?"
Ara: "Yes! He said something like 'Pound your face I will later.' And that was after saying he'd have to beat Brother Ospen off with his stick if he saw Obi-Wan's sketchbook!"
(light laughter around the table)
Kar-ra: "Was Master Yoda actually talking dirty during a junior knight's recovery vigil or do you just have a pornographic memory?"
(more laughter)
Ara, shrugging: "Probably the latter, but I couldn't help hearing the former. I mean, 'Pound your face I will later.' Also, that was the runner-up one-liner of the day."
"Hey!"
Drallig just looked at her expectantly.
"So, a little bit before you texted me, the jump scare twins tried to crash the party but Siri headed them off. I got out my comm out of habit and Jitters asked if I was texting you again, and I was like, damn, it's like I'm just using him as nightmare repellent, and Master Yoda asked why you and I said it was because you feel like safety, but also, you know, the dreamless sleep of the physically exhausted. And Master Billaba was like, 'tired, sure, but not exhausted,' and Master Gallia said that you have exceptional intuition so you'd know what I needed, and then--" Ara giggles at the memory and pauses to eat some of her mashed tubers--"and then Master Jo says, 'and the stamina to pull it off,' and I'm just like, 'Master Jo, no!' and...wait, that might be a little bit out of order, but while I was waiting for you to respond to my 'trauma dump' comment, Jitters said I should mention what Master Gallia said about your intuition, 'cause that's a hell of a compliment coming from her."
"It is," Drallig replied, looking genuinely flattered.
"And I said something offhand about it going into your metaphorical trophy cabinet next to all the silver medals."
"Silver medals?"
"That's what Master Windu asked, and I explained that it meant 'never comes first,' still only half paying attention, and that's when he said, 'you're the worst,' just, like, totally deadpan."
Drallig's eyes sparkled with amusement as he covered his mouth to muffle his laughter.
>> Ara: "And Master Yoda was still in his nosy era ["why special Cin is?"]--"
>> Si: "Master Yoda will be on his pyre having outlived all of us, and he'll still be in his nosy era."
>> Chuckles around the table, but Ara feels a wave of cold in the Force currents.
>> The Masters and Ara's Archivist friends feel the chill of her reaction.
>> Padawan Taamas: "What in the Force was that?
>> Ara: "I really hope it wasn't a foreboding that Master Yoda...won't outlive me."
>> Yoda: "A cause for sadness this is? Very old I am, very young you are. Relatively long-lived species you are."
>> Ara: "Yes, Master. I know. It's likely I'll outlive every baseline human in this room. I understand and accept those things logically, but mentally and emotionally I've barely scratched the surface. And you're...Master Yoda. You're one of the earliest memories of most living Jedi. An Order--a galaxy--without you in it is somehow even more disturbing to contemplate."
>> Yoda: "Worry not. When call me home the Force does, in order my affairs will be. At rest you should picture me."
>> Ara: "I'm going to picture you on a beach on Naboo, looking like you did in that painting on Obi-Wan's friend wall. You'll have a straw hat and tiny lil' sandals and drink spiced rum from a coconut the size of your head. You'll have earned it."
>> Yoda: "Too small for such a large drink I am. A friend with fast metabolism to share it with I would need."
>> Ara: “Eh, I might be able to consume alcohol by then…”
(what the fuck is this)
"Punchline before the setup: gossip happened, and later Master Windu said I'm the worst."
Drallig threw his head back and laughed. "You probably deserved it."
"Hey!" Ara whined, feigning indignation. He was right, after all.
"What funny is?" came a voice from behind and above Ara. It was Master Yoda, seated on Master Si's right shoulder. Master Bes was in a scooter next to them.
"Knight Melnau was about to explain why Mace thinks she's the worst."
"Well, my curiosity is piqued," rumbled Master Si.
"Entertaining, this should be. Knight Melnau a way with words has." The three elders joined Ara and Drallig at their table after Drallig makes a gesture of welcome.
"This is why I overshare, you know," Ara points out, "wise old masters telling me that it's okay to be weird and that there's no shame in sharing one's weirdness."
"Okay to be weird it is," reassures Master Yoda. "Apologize for interrupting you, we do."
"Master Yoda, you were there!"
"Your perspective I would like to hear, if comfortable sharing it you are."
Maybe just an outtake:
The doorbell rings, startling Ara but not Drallig.
"It's Padawan Avayu, and he's upset about something. Would you let him in and make tea? I'll be right back." He points at his now slightly-disheveled hair, and Ara hands him his hairtie.
When Ara answers the door, Padawan Avayu is glancing around the corridor nervously and playing with his braid. He's about a foot taller than Ara, with dark brown skin and darker brown eyes, his dyed-maroon hair styled in a neat flat-top.
The young man straightens and looks down at Ara and says, "I--I'm sorry, I thought this was Battlemaster Drallig's quarters."
"You've got the right place," Ara reassures him, smiling. "Come on in. Master Drallig's in the 'fresher, he'll be right back. Would you like some tea?"
"I wouldn't want to interrupt if he has company. I'm sorry to bother--"
"It's fine, Avayu," says Drallig, joining his two guests in the doorway, not a hair out of place. "[how do you say ‘you're not interrupting’ when he's clearly interrupting?]
>> From the main doc: They are interrupted by a padawan who sees Cin as a mentor and ATA (alternative trusted adult) and goes to his quarters to seek advice, like "baby Archivists" had done with Master Jo during Ara's whole apprenticeship (and during many of her visits after).
The padawan is undergoing S-training and has already completed the meditation and the reading and attended the relevant seminars, but now it's time to do the "hands-on" part of the training, and while he's comfortable with the idea of being intimate with his master, he'd rather save his first intimate experience for someone he's in love with. Cin and Ara explain that feeling like that is pretty normal, especially outside of the Order, but as a Jedi you have to worry about attachment. Ara suggests that he talk to Master Yoda, who remembers a time before the formalization of S-training. The padawan has the theory, knows how consent works, knows how to not accidentally compel anyone, knows the mechanics. (maybe suggests condoms to not be "fluid bonded," probably have to explain the term, but the padawan would be able to do his practical and still have a first for this future lover if the padawan wants that) ...Padawan Jarulan Avayu
...or Ara and Cin go to the commissary for dinner and Padawan Avayu recognizes Ara from giving the Consent Seminar, and asks his question to her.
I'll probably bring back Padawan Avayu and his S-training issues, but I'm not currently sure when or how.
Outtakes from Part Two
"I gave you an order. You can follow it, or you can use your safeword, which will put our entire dynamic on hold until we've dealt with this. Though whatever you decide, we're going to talk to Healer Vygor about this at his earliest convenience, so be ready for that in the next couple of days."
Ara and Jitters will wind up having a joint appointment about the events of Part Two, but there wasn't a good point in the final fic while Ara was actively crashing.
"Oh, Jitendra, my sweet, sweet boy, I'm so sorry. I should've been more clear when I called." Ara is crying now too, running on empty physically and emotionally, but determined to fulfill her obligation to her submissive, who was also her best friend. "I had a responsibility to communicate what I wanted in no uncertain terms, and I wasn't clear enough. But you didn't use your scene safeword when you started to feel uncomfortable, and that was your responsibility, and following that rule is very important to me, more than any of the others, given my past. The only power I have over you is that which you have given me, but you haven't given me the power to harm you, and I wouldn't accept it if you did."
Ara turns over and leans on her elbows so that she can look down at her boy, her friend, this person she cared so much for. After a moment, Jitters turns onto his side and meets her gaze head on, despite nervousness bordering on fear that was radiating off of him.
"What's worrying you?" Ara asks.
"I'm afraid you'll end this because I'm more trouble than I'm worth."
Ara yawns widely. "Well that's not gonna happen, and it sounds like a bunch of nerfshit that we'll unpack with Healer Vygor in a day or two because I'm fucking wiped out. Look. We're not ended, we're not paused, we're business as usual. Our dynamic is still in effect, but right now I'm going home to sleep and have a clearer head in the morning. You should try to sleep too. Meditate or rub one out or whatever if you have trouble sleeping. I'm...I'm sorry I'm not better at this."
"I'm sorry I'm not better for you," says Jitters.
"We'll do better tomorrow." Ara gets dressed as quickly as she can, then kisses her boy on the forehead. She waits for her boy's breath to start to even with sleep, then she slips out quietly.
Master Bert is still awake and working on a project at the kitchen table. Ara gives this explanation: "He was ready to let me do whatever I wanted, even if it did him some emotional harm, so I shut that shit down once I noticed that emotional harm was happening. I intend for me and Jitters to have a not-quite-emergency extra appointment with Healer Vygor in the next day or two. I'm too tired to do anything else. I have my regular schedule in the Archives tomorrow, but I'm available by text at any time." Ara bows to the waist, then goes directly home and to bed.
Council Tea
2/28/24
Council Tea like in ATLL chapter 2. (But it's 2 to 3 months before Faithful Friends.)
(There are other salons in the area, per chapter 2)
The cozy nook was lit by small votive candles in carved niches in the wall. Masters and Knights were seated on cushions on the floor. Present are Masters Yoda, Windu, Billaba, Nu, and Gallia, and Knights Melnau, Norwal, and Tachi. Among others.
The part I daydreamed is: Somehow the Jump Scare Twins get to where the Council Tea is being held, and they can see that Ara is there. Siri stops mid-criticism of Ara to say, "I got this" and forcibly takes them back to the creche.
Jitters: "What was that about?"
Ara: "Chick code. Girls protecting girls and all that Urban Scout Girl stuff. Siri was part of the rescue mission from the waking nightmare in which LNF was conceived, and LNF not leaving me alone is upsetting on multiple levels, so if she can prevent a survivor from being re-traumatized, she will, no matter how much she personally dislikes me."
Jitters: "It sounds like she's just being a Jedi."
Ara: "Oh, that too. She may have no chill and less tact, but she's a True Knight." She retrieves her comm unit from an outside pocket of her backpack.
Jitters: "Texting Master Drallig anyway?"
Ara, sighing: "Damn, you're right. I called on him the last time, and the time before that. I don't want him to think I'm just using him as nightmare repellent."
Yoda (sitting next to Nu who is next to Ara): "Repel nightmares? Brandish lightsaber Cin does?" Light laughter from those who heard.
Ara, blushing: "In a manner of speaking, Master. Spending the night with Master Drallig means the dreamless sleep of the physically exhausted."
Billaba: "That wasn't my experience. I was tired, sure, but I wouldn't say exhausted."
Gallia: "He does have exceptional intuition, though. He'd be able to tell what she needed."
[6/2/24: Ara, sometime in this conversation, maybe as the party is breaking up): "Master Gallia, may I tell him what you said about having exceptional intuition? That's a hell of a compliment coming from you." (thinking: boom, double compliment)]
Nu: "And have the stamina to pull it off."
Ara, dramatically: "Master Jo, no! I'm scarred for life!" (others at the salon laugh good-naturedly, going along with her lightening of the mood)
Windu: *rubs tiredly at his face, not wanting to know any of this shit*
Nu, noticing: "There is a time and a place for this sort of salacious gossip..."
Ara, joining her, grinning: "...and it's the Archives break room at lunch time."
(except for Master Yoda, apparently)
Yoda: "Wearing yourself out easy is. Why Cin special is?"
Ara, quietly, after a moment: "He feels like safety, physically and in the Force. I know that true safety is an illusion, but for those few hours, it feels real."
Yoda: "And mind, you think he would? Happy to help, I think he would be."
Jitters: "Especially considering the nature of the help!”
Ara: "No, I don't think he'd mind, not really, but I'd rather it just be fun, y'know, sharing joy with someone I really like, like with my other friends with benefits. Throw in the holding off of nightmares, and it adds the feeling of...I'm not sure how to put it..."
Jitters: "Service?"
Ara, smiling at Jitters: "Close, but not quite." To Yoda: "Of...doing a favor, and how that affects the enthusiasm aspect of enthusiastic consent."
Jitters: "I guarantee you, enthusiasm is not an issue. I can't actually speak for your other friends with benefits, but I'm pretty sure they'd all agree."
(Siri comes back to the group. She nods at Ara, who nods back, then Siri joins a different conversation that's happening at the other end of the roughly rectangular gathering area.)
Yoda: "Care about him, you do."
Ara: "Of course I do! 'Friend' is more important than 'benefits,' after all. But it'd sure be nice if Katarn Clan could keep its ducklings in a row for, I dunno, a month, so we could see how things shake out without the weekly jump scares. I mean, we're both busy active-duty Jedi who also have pre-existing social lives, but it'd be nice to go to a restaurant or a concert or a museum once in a while." She looks down at her comm unit. She'd opened the text messaging application but done nothing else since Jitters had spoken up.
Yoda: "Tell him this, you should. Surprise you, he might."
Jitters: (muttering) "And let me know if you're not spending the night, so I can make sure you get home okay."
Ara: (muttering) "You're never going to let that go, are you?"
Jitters: (muttering) "Nope."
Ara reads the last two messages that she'd exchanged with Battlemaster Drallig. [Do you have any plans tonight?] from her, and [Come on over] from him. When a new message appears in her text chain right before her eyes, she startles noticeably.
Cin, to Ara: [Do you have any plans this evening?]
Jitters, softly: "Are you all right?"
Ara rests her head on Jitters's arm and shows him the message. "Yeah, just surprised. Though maybe I shouldn't be."
Jitters, joking: "You should ask him if his ears are burning."
Ara, to Cin: [No plans. What time?]
[Also, are your ears burning? I was just talking about you.]
Jitters: *laughs helplessly*
Cin, to Ara: [I'm having dinner with Master Clearing this evening, so after that I'll be wanting a distraction. I'll send you a text when it's almost over, if that's alright.]
[Do I even want to know?]
Ara, to Cin: [Sounds like a plan. And I'll tell you all about it in person, I could use a distraction too (jump scare a little bit ago). Do you want to talk about it?]
Cin, to Ara, after a long pause: [But...we don't do that.]
Ara, to Cin, probably too quickly: [Don't we? You've let me trauma dump on you plenty of times.]
[More often than I'd care to admit.]
Cin: [Okay, *I* don't do that.]
Ara: [You *could*. You don't have to, of course. Offer stands, but I won't bring it up again unless you bring it up first. "With benefits" doesn't negate "friends," after all.]
Cin: [Point taken, and thanks. I'll text you when I'm getting ready to leave the South Terrace.]
[And you can tell your twitchy little friend that you're welcome to spend the night.]
Ara and Jitters: *share a horrified look*
Sometime during that conversation it leads to Ara saying to Jitters: "Another obvious addition to his metaphorical trophy cabinet full of silver medals."
Windu: "Silver medals?"
Ara: "Straight men prefer the silver medal in this case. It's a play on words." (or, "If a straight man wants to sleep with the same woman more than once, he goes for the silver medal.")
Windu, getting it: "You're the worst."
Ara, texting Cin, sans context: [Master Windu just said I'm the worst.]
Cin, texting Ara: [You probably deserved it.]
Once Ara and Cin are in Cin's quarters:
Ara: "You're distracted."
Cin: ???
Ara: "Your undivided attention is overwhelming. I am not overwhelmed. Therefore, your attention is divided."
Cin: (talks about how it was Master Clearing's life day, and how it's hard to see him displaced in time, and getting hit with casual dire bits of information about the future. He's released his emotions into the Force, but they keep coming back. It's always on his master's life day that it hits home the most that he's never going to recover.)
Ara has an idea: something that often works for her when she can't stop overthinking something. She summons a footstool with telekinesis, gets up off Cin's lap, and places the footstool right in front of her on the floor. Cin sits and Ara begins to card her fingers through Cin's hair.
Ara: "Is this okay?"
Cin, slowly starting to unwind: "Mmm, yes."
Ara: "Would it be better if I used a brush or comb?"
Cin: "No...this is lovely. You could use your fingernails more." He hums contentedly as Ara does so.
They are interrupted by a padawan who sees Cin as a mentor and ATA (alternative trusted adult) and goes to his quarters to seek advice, like "baby Archivists" had done with Master Jo during Ara's whole apprenticeship (and during many of her visits after).
The padawan is undergoing S-training and has already completed the meditation and the reading and attended the relevant seminars, but now it's time to do the "hands-on" part of the training, and while he's comfortable with the idea of being intimate with his master, he'd rather save his first intimate experiences for someone he's in love with. Cin and Ara explain that feeling like that is pretty normal, especially outside of the Order, but as a Jedi you have to worry about attachment. Ara suggests that he talk to Master Yoda, who remembers a time before the formalization of S-training. The padawan has the theory, knows how consent works, knows how to not accidentally compel anyone, knows the mechanics. (maybe suggests condoms to not be "fluid bonded," probably have to explain the term, but the padawan would be able to do his practical and still have a first for this future lover if the padawan wants that)
Years earlier, days after Obi-Wan's rejection:
>> Ara is in a small workout room off the main gym with the gravity at 2 G's, whaling on a heavy bag.
(conversation)
>> Cin, who's been there via hologram for a few minutes: "You're 24, so developmentally, what, 16? This is totally normal. It's okay to vent your feelings in a way that doesn't harm others or lead to the dark side. Your feelings will run their course whether you like them or not." (Ara will paraphrase this with Cin above)
>> Ara: "Well I already cried, did a really screechy violin piece that I didn't record, cried some more, composed a real piece ("room temperature fire"), and tried to release those feelings into the Force multiple times but they keep rebounding!"
>> Cin: "You'll get there. Give yourself time."
>> Ara sighs and leans against the heavy bag. "This isn't working."
>> Cin: "Why not?"
>> Ara: "It's not eating up enough bandwidth. I can still think. And hitting something that can't feel back doesn't feel good, even when it's an inanimate object that was made for the purpose."
>> Cin: "That's a good thing, it means you still dwell in the Light."
>> Ara: "Battlemaster...do you have time to spar with me? You could hand me my backside without breaking a sweat, even when I'm angry and using my full strength. It'd be as safe as sparring gets, because I couldn't hurt you even if I wanted to, and I really, really don't."
>> Cin, kindly: "Sure. Give me a few minutes, and I'll see you in the main salle."
>> A few minutes later, they bow to each other, then spar for a long time. Cin leaves little openings for her to take advantage of, telegraphs some of his strikes so that she can parry them. Not to let her win--and she doesn't--but so that the spar will last long enough for Ara to get her ya-yas out.
>> Ara is already flushed with exertion and breathing hard when Cin pins her to the wall, a forearm pressing against her collarbones, training-mode lightsaber blade nearly touching her neck, his face mere inches from hers.
>> Cin: "Do you yield?"
>> Her mouth goes dry. She's too aroused to speak, so she merely nods dumbly. She can feel his body heat, and not just from where they're touching. She's intensely aware of the immovable object behind her (the wall) and the unstoppable force in front of her (the Battlemaster). Her breath catches and her eyes widen as she looks up at the Battlemaster, pressing herself back against the wall, feeling pinned beneath his gaze.
>> Cin blinks, leaps back several Force-aided feet, a look of horror (and disgust?) on his face that douses her inappropriate ardor like a bucket of ice water.
>> Not sure what else to do, and not wanting the Battlemaster to see her start to cry, she runs away, not stopping to grab her gym bag on the way out.
>> Ara is dimly aware of the odd looks she gets as she runs away from embarrassment and towards her home and her master, and she doesn't pay them any mind. After all, most if not all of them have seen stranger things than an apparently-teenaged padawan in workout clothes running full out through the Temple.
>> Ara nearly runs smack into the door of Master Jo's and her quarters, but it opens just in time. She does run into her master, but doesn't bowl her over because Master Jo has had a heavy-worlder padawan for just over a decade and can handle a surprise tackle-hug with ease, embracing her tightly, then holding her shoulders at arms' length so that her master can study her face and her Force presence.
>> Jo: "What happened, sweetheart? I just received the strangest call from Battlemaster Drallig. He is very worried about you."
>> Ara, surprised: "He is?"
>> Jo: "Of course he is! Tell me what just happened."
>> Ara: "Yes, master. I was hitting the heavy bag in grav to try to work off my anger at myself for taking Obi-Wan's rejection so badly. The Battlemaster came in via holo and we talked for a bit, then I asked to spar and we did, and he went just easy enough on me so that the spar would last longer and I could wear myself out, and it worked, but when he pinned me to the wall and asked me if I yielded, I had an, um, inappropriate reaction. I thought I was doing better at shielding, or maybe something showed on my face, but it must have been clear that I very much did want to yield, but, like, as a euphemism. I wanted him to, like,--never mind. And he jumped back like he'd been scalded. He looked horrified. Maybe disgusted too? And who can blame him? Surely a twenty-four-year-old can hold off on being perpetually horny on main for one kriffing workout! I'm all passion and no serenity." The tears she's been holding back since the salle spill over and Ara sobs into her hands. Her master pulls her into a tight hug and lets her cry it out.
>> Jo: "Oh, sweetheart. You've had to grow up so much, so fast. Aging too quickly for the novice padawan program but too slowly for the average initiate. You have twenty-four years of life experience, but an artificially lengthened lifespan means an artificially lengthened adolescence, and you're just going to have to be patient with yourself and your body. For now, though, you should take a quick sonic shower, and I'll bring you a change of clothes. Cin is on his way to apologize, because he thinks he scared you. He's also got your gym bag."
>> Ara: *facepalms* "I forgot my comm unit and my datapad. Wow, I'm so Archives."
>> Jo: "Go. All will be well."
>> Ara goes. By the time the sweat and body oils have been lifted from her body, she's stopped crying and released the remainder of her negative emotions into the Force. They'll rebound within an hour or so, but hopefully Master Drallig will have come and gone by then.
>> When she's finished, she changes into the simple smallclothes, tunic, and trousers that Master Jo has left her, then returns to the main living space and finds Master Jo and Master Drallig seated at the kitchen table, sipping tea.
>> Ara, bowing to both: "Good evening, Masters."
>> Jo: "Have a seat, Ara. You're not in trouble."
>> Ara sits. She pours herself a cup of hot tea, adds sugar, stares into the cup while she stirs until the sugar granules have completely dissolved. Finally, she looks up at the two Jedi Masters, waiting for one of them to say the next thing.
>> Cin: "Padawan Melnau, I brought you your things that you left at the salle, but primarily I came to apologize for boxing you in like I did at the end of our sparring match earlier this evening. It was not my intention to frighten you, or to dredge up unpleasant memories."
>> Ara: "Thank you for bringing back my things. That would've been an awkward walk, tonight or in the morning. But you didn't frighten me when you pinned me to the wall. Is that the impression you got?"
>> Cin: "Your shields were pretty tight, so I didn't want to intrude upon your thoughts. Once I pinned you and asked if you yielded, your breathing quickened and your eyes widened. Fear isn't the only emotion that could bring about that response, but it seemed the most likely."
>> Ara: "I thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt here, Battlemaster, but I really don't deserve it. It wasn't fear I was feeling with you. There was a time when I was afraid of humanoid men as a category, but I was never afraid of you as an individual. You just have too much innate kindness to be scary to me. I fled because I was embarrassed by an inappropriate reaction to the way we were both situated when you won the bout, especially after you jumped back like you'd been scalded. You looked horrified, maybe even disgusted, and I was ashamed."
>> Cin breathes a sigh of relief. "Oh. Is that all."
>> Ara, feeling a twinge of annoyance now: "I've been all passion and no serenity ever since I got my groove back, but yes, that's all."
>> Cin: "Padawan Melnau, I promise you, getting hot under the collar after a good spar is not at all uncommon. Isn't that right, Jo?" He grins at Ara's master, and Master Jo rolls her eyes at him.
>> Jo, smirking: "That is right. I remember Yan--"
>> Cin, interrupting: "I don't want to know! Melnau, you said something about getting your groove back?"
>> Ara, looking down at the table, blushing: "This conversation doesn't leave this room?"
>> Cin, genuinely curious now: "I promise."
>> Ara: "I'll try not to overshare too much, but it might happen anyway... Puberty hit like a speeding ground-car when I was fifteen standard, blah blah self-exploration and learning from the senior padawans in Archives how to access age-restricted content. Apparently this is a rite of passage and I was late for a human. I turned sixteen during the stuff and after the stuff, I was just numb in that respect. I thought those feelings and sensations were gone forever. Then, when I was eighteen, at the Sixth Night dancing, I was trying to escape a new docent who thought I belonged with the 'other'" (she makes air quotes) "younglings on the balcony, and I ran into you, with Master Yoda on your shoulder."
>> Cin: "I remember."
>> Ara: "Master Yoda asked why I wasn't dancing, and I said I didn't want to get stepped on." Ara looks at Master Jo for this part: "Master Drallig, in his infinite wisdom, suggested that if Master Yoda was standing on my shoulders, we'd be about the height of the average humanoid. Master Yoda mentioned that he was heavier than he looked, and I was all, 'so am I!,' just happy to have something in common with him. And Master Drallig's like, 'she's Sphinxian, she can handle it,' and I say, 'and this is why you're my favorite instructor,'" (turns to Cin) "and you say,--"
>> Cin and Ara: "'Because I remember your species?'"
>> Ara: "Yeah, that. But it was mostly about remembering the slow-aging thing and not treating me like a particularly dim-witted baseline human. So anyhow, Master Yoda is standing on my shoulders and, sure enough, he's slightly above eye level with Master Drallig. We head out to the dance floor, and I can't see shaavit but backs and elbows, but Master Yoda can see more, so he kinda steers me using my hairites like handlebars--"
>> Jo: "I was wondering why you went with high pigtails when you were trying not to look like a youngling."
>> Ara: "It seemed weird to me too, but it felt right in the Force when I was getting ready. I guess that was why. But he was basically piloting me like a mech suit and I was feeling joyful, and then it was like--you know when you're combing your hair or running your hand through it and you tug on a few individual strands, and it hits a nerve?"
>> Cin and Jo both nod.
>> Ara: "So that happened, Master Yoda pulled my hair and it sent a jolt of electricity through my entire body, and I hadn't thought I was even capable of such a sensation anymore, and this was with Grand Master Yoda and surrounded by hundreds of people, nearly all of them Force sensitive, and I panicked. Master Yoda piloted me off the dance floor and into a quiet alcove, and he talked me down from my panic attack, and then he told me to go home and 'practice self-care.'" She does a brief imitation of Master Yoda's voice. "He said that you and Master Yan were still dancing and that he'd buy me time. And when Grand Master Yoda tells you to go fuck yourself..." She shrugs, raising both hands in a "what can you do?" gesture.
>> Jo: "That night makes a little more sense now."
--
>> The conversation continues for a bit, then Cin leaves. Ara calls ahead and gets permission, then goes to the quarters of Jitters and Master Bert to take out her frustration on Jitters, because Master Jo agreed to finally let Ara get her S-training at 22 on the condition that she not have sexual contact with anyone over the age of 25 standard [outside of the actual S-training] until after she's knighted. (Also, Cin is the fucking Battlemaster and Ara is a padawan. Also, Cin never forgets that Ara is slow-aging. He's known her since her early initiate days, and he was Arrek's crechemate for awhile as a child.)
>> Ara and Jitters are at the beginning of a dom/sub dynamic. They've agreed that, for now at least, this is a starter dynamic, to try out the roles and see what they do and don't like, and what's feasible in a kink dynamic while still being Jedi.
>> Ara and Jitters retire to Jitters's bedroom and Ara says that she was able to get her unrequited-crush ya-yas out (at least temporarily) in a long and satisfying spar with Master Drallig, but then she got all hot and bothered when Drallig pinned her to the wall and asked her if she yielded. She says that she's tired, but running on horny adolescent fumes, and wants to ride him until she's satisfied or runs out of steam. Jitters agrees, and after some foreplay, Ara starts to ride Jitters.
7/25/24: Ara's too tired to ride, she tells Jitters to work her open and then fuck her slowly, which he does.
Author's note: This story contains sort-of underage sex. Jitters is a baseline human who is 20 standard, so regular old of-age (legal adulthood for humans on Coruscant is 18 standard). Ara is 24, but she's Sphinxian, and ages at approximately two-thirds the rate of a baseline human, but at this point in the timeline, very little is known about Sphinxian culture because Sphinx is so insular. Ara is a legal citizen of Coruscant, and became a legal adult at 18 standard, but her master, her therapist, and her healer know that she isn't physically or emotionally mature enough at age 18 to begin her S-training, and due to her "numbness" after The Library Kidnapping, Ara doesn't fight it until she "gets her groove back," as discussed above. Once she does, she chafes at having to wait, but she does wait, however impatiently, because she's living by the padawan code. When she's finally allowed to get her S-training at age 22, it's on the condition that she not be intimate with anyone over the age of 25 (outside of the master/s doing the actual training) until after she's knighted. At this point in the timeline, Ara and Jitters are both post-S and have also made trips to The Teaching Dungeon (with a member of the S-Training Committee who's also a member of the Temple's small kink community) to learn and try new things.
What Ara won't learn until she's in her early thirties is that Sphinx has three distinct castes with different rates of aging, and that she is a Sphinxian Peasant, and on Sphinx a Peasant reaches their legal majority at age 25, and in this story Ara is about six months shy of that. If you're wondering why I'd throw that out there when I didn't have to, the answer is that, yes, I have to. Because informed consent, and because of my time in the Hobbit movies fandom where there were several species (humans, hobbits/halflings, dwarves, elves) that had differing aging rates and lifespans, and a 50 year old Bilbo is different from a 50 year old Kili is different from a 50 year old Aragrn is different from a 50 year old Tauriel. In science-fiction and fantasy, that stuff matters.
If you don't want to read this part because Ara isn't quite of age by Sphinxian standards, I understand. There's a brief, non-explicit summary at the end of the chapter.
Summary at the end of the chapter:
During foreplay/sex, Ara talks about being mad at herself, sparring with Drallig, wanting to "yield" to him.
...
>> It's not long before Ara notices Jitters raise his mental shields, and that he's staring off into the distance rather than meeting her eyes. Those actions worry Ara and she stops. She lifts up off his dick and sits up on her knees, so that her eye level is slightly above his.
>> Ara: "What's wrong?"
>> Jitters: "Nothing, ma'am."
>> Ara: "Then lower your shields."
>> Jitters: "Please, ma'am--"
>> Ara: "Lower your godsdamn shields."
>> Jitters does lower his shields, and Ara is able to see that while Jitters is often happy to be used like this, he's just not feeling it tonight.
>> Ara gets sad and angry that Jitters broke one of her most important rules, that if there's discomfort of any kind about a sex act, he's supposed to speak up immediately and truthfully. Jitters struggles to find the words to say that tonight he wanted individual attention, but as a submissive he wants to prioritize her wants over his. Part of a dom/sub relationship is doing what your dom wants even when you don't want to do a thing, but with Ara's history with TLK, that doesn't apply to sexual situations. Ara is very upset that Jitters was going to just let her do him mental/emotional harm by using him in this way at this time, and gets dressed. She gets dressed, saying that she's too tired and upset to figure out what to do about this tonight, that she'll sleep on it and meditate on it in the morning. Jitters, terrified, asks if she intends to end their dynamic, and Ara assures him that she does not. That this is their first major hurdle and that they'll get through it. She reiterates that no-one is allowed to harm him, herself included.
>> Jitters curls up in a ball on his bed, eyes closed. Ara kneels at his bedside and speaks to him quietly:
>> Ara: "Remember that I'm less than two years out of S-training and I already have a bit of a reputation for being promiscuous, and there are--well, not a whole lot, but definitely at least three people I could have gone to at a moment's notice, and I still came to you to calm down and get off. You're so sweet and eager to please, and your body is a delight from head to toe. I was enjoying your mouth and your hands and your cock."
>> Jitters, uncurling a bit and opening his eyes: "Really?"
>> Ara: "Yes, really. And then you broke the godsdamn rules which is why weren't not still fucking." She rubs tiredly at her face. "We'll talk tomorrow. Get a good night's sleep and meditate on what happened tonight in the morning, and we'll talk once our respective shifts are over. Got that?"
>> Jitters nods.
>> On her way out, she tells Master Bert [who had to approve this dynamic experiment and who needs to know things that affect his padawan] that Jitters was ready to take emotional harm to serve her, and things that actually do harm--different from hurt--to either of them are against the rules. She lets Bert know that she's not ending the dynamic, but she's left him hanging a bit because she's too tired and upset to decide what the consequences should be right now, that she needs to sleep and meditate and maybe talk it out with her master or her therapist. She has her regular shift in the Archives tomorrow, but she's reachable by text.
>> At some point during their early dynamic, after this hurdle, Ara: "Just remember that you are first and foremost my friend, maybe my best friend, and I care about you deeply. I'm enjoying this experiment in Jedi power exchange, but it has to be beneficial to both of us for it to work. I propose that we have a joint appointment with our respective therapists about our dynamic every other month to make sure we're doing things in a healthy way as Jedi, and alternate months we talk to a more experienced D/s pair at the Teaching Dungeon to make sure we're doing the power exchange in a healthy way."
OUTTAKES
=========
(Ara talking to Cin) You just have too much innate kindness to be scary to me. But as I was reminded less than half an hour ago, while I have twenty-four years of life experience, my artificially slow-aging body still thinks it's an adolescent, and this body is going to be horny on main until it reaches its own adulthood and chills the eff out.
>> (Ara) "I ran away because I was embarrassed. It was a cowardly thing to do and I'm sorry I didn't stay and explain myself. But the way you jumped back, you looked horrified, maybe disgusted too, and I was ashamed to have upset you, especially since you'd been so generous with your time and attention and compassion.
===
