oh_what_can_it_mean | The Vigil: Misremembering, Daydreaming, Writing it Down, Checking the "Source Fic," Sighing.(1/2) (Reply)

The Vigil takes place during chapters nine, ten, eleven, twelve, and thirteen (CW for remembered attempted rape in Ch.13) of All The Little Lights. My stories in that universe are an AU of an AU, and I guess I have to keep reminding myself of that, because I kept going back to try to keep to the 'canon' of the 'source material' fic, but towards the end of writing all this out, I decided fuck it and decided to just write out whatever I daydreamed and could actually make into a semi-coherent conversation. (There are also two scenes where I try to give my self-insert OC an in-universe-realistic reason to cuddle Yoda, and both wind up ridiculous, but dammit, I want to cuddle Yoda.)

This first part contains several direct or slightly altered quotes from Chapter 9. But not as many as when I dropped Ara into Chapter 12. On the bright side, I'm starting to burn out on keeping to the story itself and instead being more interested in the world and the characters, and also bringing in worldbuilding and characters from other fics. Though that last part won't be in this (very long) entry.

P.S. This takes place in the new timeline (still working out the details), where Ara is two years older than Obi-Wan. (She and Quinlan might be the same age to the day, but I haven't decided yet.)

This part takes place near the beginning of Chapter 9 of ATLL. It contains a few direct quotes from the chapter, especially at the beginning.

"Stay home he can?" asks Master Yoda.

"If you can get enough volunteers, yes," says the healer. "We put in an I.V, coated his stomach and put in a catheter so he can just sleep. If his stomach is less inflamed in a few hours, we’ll put in a nasogastric tube so he can get some nutrition. We’ll send some healers to check in on him every few hours and to monitor the tubing, but he can stay home in his own bed. He should sleep at least 18-24 hours."

"Stay with him I can." Master Yoda's relief is palpable. Eller looks as if she wants to protest.

"Not for twenty-four hours you won't. And he'll still need check-ins after he wakes up," says the healer, crossing his arms and glaring down at the grand master. "I don't want you in the Healer's Hall next."

"We can help," Kressa speaks up. "We can ask the neighbors." After much more discussion, an interactive sign-up form for volunteers is posted. Neither Kressa nor Quinlan are surprised to see that Arala Melnau's name was one of the first of the people who hadn't been around for the initial commotion to show up.

Kressa and finish putting up the traditional (though now electric) lantern outside Obi-Wan's front door, set it to the correct color per Master Yoda, and when Quinlan leaves Obi-Wan's bedroom (the healers were getting ready to insert a catheter), Kressa and Quinlan agree to cover parts of the evening.

At that moment, Ara rushes into Obi-Wan's quarters and makes a beeline for Quinlan and Kressa. Her face is flushed and her hair is mussed--did she run all the way from the Archives?

"What happened?" Ara asks. "How bad is it? Is he expected to recover?"

"Well..." Quinlan dithers. "We can't tell you all of it, it's bad enough that so many people know already..."

"Actually, know some detail Knight Melnau may. Her perspective, useful could be when wake up Obi-Wan does," says Master Yoda.

"Seven fucking Sith Hells," Ara mutters, shuddering, then addresses Master Yoda. "He was assaulted, wasn't he?"

"Nearly assaulted, he was," replies Master Yoda gently. "Fought off attackers, he did, but injured he was, and infection from planet received during getaway." He shakes his head. "Poor boy. Embarrassed he will be."

"Why?" asks Kressa. "It's not his fault."

"It doesn't matter," says Ara. "Shame isn't logical. But he's got a good support system, and he's already in therapy, so that'll help with all the introspective, stopping-self-blame shit--or at least it helped me back in the day."

"What else helped you?" Quinlan asks. "I can understand why you didn't want to see me after The Library Kidnapping, but it was frustrating to not be able to help."

"You not taking it personally and respecting my boundaries helped immensely. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear about it back then."

Quinlan nods in acknowledgement and gratitude, not wanting to touch her while these memories were at the front of her mind, and doubting that she'd want to be touched.

Ara closes her eyes and takes a deep, cleansing breath, letting it out slowly. Then she looks at Quinlan and Kresa and Master Yoda, and gets serious. "This isn't going to be koyos to koyos. A lot of things are different. Obi-Wan was an adult. He was armed. He didn't have to pretend to be weaker than he was. He didn't have to protect anyone but himself. He's a cisgender man so he had one fewer fear than I did. His attackers--plural? Really?" Master Yoda nods. "Damn. All the empathy. His attackers didn't succeed...So. It was a long journey back to Coruscant once my fellow captives and I were rescued. Um, are you familiar with the story, Kressa?" Kressa nods. "There were only two other padawans on the ship, Obi-Wan and Siri."

"Ouch," says Quinlan, who'd worked with Siri.

"Eh, for once Siri's no chill and less tact was helpful. She didn't treat me like I was made of spun glass like the adults did."

"What did Obi-Wan do? Were you able to see him?" asks Quinlan.

Ara addressed Quinlan directly. "Yeah. You and I are the same age, but you were big even then and you registered in my lizard brain--sorry, Master Yoda--as a grown man, and all the Bad Men were humanoid. Obi-Wan was a scrawny fourteen-year-old, and he wasn't much bigger back then than some of the older boys in my compartment, but even then he could only visit via holo. Update 8/1/24
     "What Obi-Wan did was chatter about everything but the karkaradon in the room. It helped a lot. And when it was just us in the middle of ship's night, sometimes he'd even talk at length about Melida/Daan. We've been nightmare buddies ever since, though it's slowed a bit since I went and made it weird a few years ago."

"Weird you made it?" Asks Master Yoda. "Figure I did that Yan teach you better would."

"I was twenty-four and I'd propositioned plenty of people by then, but Obi-Wan was the first person I'd actually asked on a date. He was very kind and compassionate when he turned me down, and he said he wasn't really interested in anyone, and besides, he'd always thought of me as a sister--a little sister, to add not-really-insult to not-really injury, because I'm two years older than him! Especially after he learned that it was his dad who'd brought me to the Temple from Sphinx. And I always take 'no' for an answer, so that was that. If what he wants from me is a source of non-violent, non-sexual touch, I can be that for him. And since he treats me like a little sister, that means I get to act like one, and let me tell ya, I am looking forward to busting his chops about that squirrel on his face as soon as he wakes up.
     "But, getting back on track, just be there. Don't bring it up unless he does. If he does, listen. You'll be angry at other people on his behalf, but try not to let it show. This might not be a big deal for Obi-Wan, being a grown man and a seasoned field knight and all, but it's something that made me nervous back in the day.
     "And if he needs space, let him have space. He can be self-sacrificing, but he's not self-destructive. If he's in a really bad way, he'll reach out to someone. And don't be offended if it's not you. Different people are good for different types of support."

"I'm part of your support network, too," says Quinlan. "If you want to stay and talk, I'm happy to listen."

"Me, too!" says Kressa earnestly. Master Yoda gives them both approving looks.

"I might just take you up on that later, but right now I should really be elsewhere," says Ara.

"You don't want to stay and be here for your friend?" asks Eller, concerned.

"I'd definitely like to, but Obi-Wan is under a sleep compulsion," answers Ara. "If I dump a bunch of negative emotions too close to him, he could wind up with some really gnarly nightmares that he might not be able to escape from."

"That makes about as much sense as anything else I've heard about the Force. You're sure you'll be okay?"

"Yes, ma'am. I've been in therapy for this and that since I was ten. I've dealt with the fallout of dredging up this set of memories before."

Ara is concentrating on keeping her shields tight over an onslaught of traumatic memories, so she doesn't hear Master Yoda quietly tell Quinlan and Kressa to follow her as she leaves.

---

Ara dips into her quarters, grabs her overnight bag and her violin case, and makes her way quickly to the gardens. The Desert Garden is empty of sentient life, as usual, so she sets her bag and her violin case down on a boulder. She tunes the violin and prepares the bow on autopilot, then starts to play.

It's all improvised. It's angry, and it's scared, and it's frustrated. It's full of grief, and shame, and the occasional moment of levity.

Tears stream down her face and she loses track of time.

***

Quinlan and Kressa follow silently and invisibly, and barely even need to hide behind a large succulent for Ara to not notice them--she's too wrapped up in what feels to Quinlan like a ritual to notice either of them. He takes out his comm unit and sets it to record. If asked to delete it later, he will, but in the meantime...

The music from Ara's violin is like nothing he's ever heard before, even from Ara. She's pouring all of her trauma--the fear, the anger, the grief, the shame, the helplessness--into it, but there are brief bits that are lighter in mood, and somehow it doesn't seem incongruous.

The Desert Garden starts to go blurry as Quin's eyes fill with tears. He blinks and they spill down his cheeks. He reaches out for Kressa and she takes his hand, weeping silently.

They remember what Ara had said earlier that day: A lot of things are different. Obi-Wan was an adult. He was armed. He didn't have to pretend to be weaker than he was. He didn't have to protect anyone but himself. He's a cisgender man so he had one fewer fear than I did. His attackers didn't succeed.

Two hours pass and the battery on Quin's comm unit is down to 10%. He shows Kressa, and she starts recording with her own device so that Quin can stop recording without them missing any of the clearly improvised music.

It's not long after Kressa starts recording that one of the strings on Ara's violin snaps.

***

When the string snaps, Ara's quiet tears turn into nearly-silent sobs. She sinks to her knees, then sits heavily on her heels, only distantly aware of the soreness in her arms and neck. She has just enough awareness of her surroundings to hold her violin in her lap with both hands so that sand won't get into the expensive, custom-made instrument (aside from the little bit that was kicked up when she sat down so abruptly).

She can sense that there's at least one other person in the Desert Garden with her, but she's beyond caring at the moment. She's distantly annoyed that anyone would stay in the small garden after witnessing her in such a state, but the annoyance quickly vanishes when the familiar pale hands of Kressa Carlin gently take her violin and place it gently in its case, and larger, darker hands of Quinlan Vos pull her onto his lap and into an embrace.

Time loses meaning again while Ara cries onto the junction of Quinlan's neck and shoulder, her short arms wrapped tightly around the back of his neck. Eventually, her tears subside and she looks first at Kressa, then up at Quinlan, and asks, "Why aren't you with Obi-Wan?"

"We were worried about you," said Kressa, gently but with a hint of duh, obviously.

"And Master Yoda was worried about your state of mind," added Quinlan. "I can understand why he did it, but I don't think it was fair of him to put you on the spot like that. He could've gotten most of the same advice from any mind-healer."

"No...he was right to ask. To help someone in need is worth it on its own, but Obi-Wan is kin. I'd open up an old physical wound if it would help him heal. Besides, like I said earlier, nightmare buddies. I'd have heard about it from Obi-Wan himself eventually, and I probably still will."

"Master Yoda didn't say anything outright," said Kressa cautiously, "but he seemed to imply a worry about, um...self-harm."

Ara rolled her eyes. "That was years ago, and it was a misunderstanding."

Quinlan gave her a knowing look. "Let me guess: you discovered your pain kink without knowing what kink was."

"Something like that," Ara agreed. "And it was extra-weird getting the self-harm lecture from Master Yoda, because the inciting incident of my journey into kink was the funky little gremlin himself accidentally pulling my hair back when I was ~~seventeen~~ eighteen [8/1/24]." Both of her friends nodded in understanding, having heard the story of The Sixth Night That Didn't Happen several down-low Temple munches ago.

Here are some bits that were going to be part of the above, but they didn't fit: they were Ara oversharing about Obi-Wan or just stuff that wasn't relevant.

--------
OUTTAKES
--------
As a Temple-bound Knight, she has the luxury of releasing her emotions the old-fashioned way (another favorite is whaling on a heavy bag until her knuckles bleed, but her therapist prefers it when she finds outlets that don't involve hitting anything),
---
Ara, about her and Obi-Wan: "Back when we were both padawans, Master Jinn thought that seeking therapy was a sign of weakness, so sometimes Obi-Wan ask me to ask my mind-healer something and I'd get back to him. Or he'd write something down and I wouldn't look at it, and the next week I'd not look at my mind-healer's written reply that I took back to Obi-Wan. It felt weird to have such a secret, but at least I had a mind-healer to discuss it with."
---
     "Master Yoda didn't say anything outright," said Kressa cautiously, "but he seemed to imply a worry about, um...self-harm."
     Ara rolled her eyes.
     "That was one time!" she groused. "Besides, it was more like experimental sensation play done without any knowledge of kinky safety procedure." At Kressa's horrified look, she explained: "I was nineteen. I was poking at the underside of my forearm with one of those scrapbooking pen-knife thingies. The pinprick feeling made the nerves around the area tingle. I did break the skin a few times, but it wasn't on purpose. Master Jo caught me at it and she got really upset and we had a talk with my mind-healer and Healer Che and Master Yoda and they all told me that what I'd done was maladaptive and they gave me suggestions for things to do when I was 'depressed,' and explaining that it just felt like 'experimentaiton' didn't help, so I took note of all their advice, which did help when I was depressed, and eventually--at karking twenty-two--Master Jo let me start my S-training and after that I got to go to the Teaching Dungeon and try things like sensation play and pain play in a safe and supervised manner."
     "I remember," said Quinlan. "You wanted to try everything on the first trip!"

---------
/OUTTAKES
---------

Day 2 of the Vigil

(I daydreamed this all the way to Sarasota and back as Master Gi-Ho showing up while Bail and Rouge were there, but he was there on day 2, not day 3. This doesn't happen, but I'm going to write it out in case any of the dialogue is useful later.)

[This contains dialogue from the end of Chapter 11, and the beginning of the relevant section says that this part takes place after dinner hour, but Bail and Rouge's visit was morning and afternoon, so I'm putting this at early afternoon.]

Scene opens with Master Gi-Ho is giving Obi-Wan a shoulder massage. The healer is leaving, and present are Gi-Ho, Obi-Wan, Yoda, Tahl, Ara, Kressa, Quinlan, Jitters, Rouge, and Bail.

Obi-Wan: "I'm almost ready for the fork." He slumps lower on the sofa.

Gi-Ho: "What?"

Yoda: "Oh! Done he almost is. Next me, please!"

Bant: *cracks up*

Ara: "Then me, if you don't mind." Others are also asking, so she doesn't get her hopes up. She'd stopped playing as the healer set up the motorchair, took readings and samples from Obi-Wan, and spoke with Obi-Wan and Masters Yoda and Gi-Ho. She plays more "relaxing on the beach" type Bom Juffie music as Master Gi-Ho gives shoulder massages to Master Tahl, then Master Yoda. Then Master Gi-Ho does get to her.

Ara melts under Master Gi-Ho's ministrations. When her hands release her guitar, Bail catches it and puts it in its case.

She's not the only one to make happy noises during their massage, but she is the only one to say, "Mmm, your place or mine, Master?"

Gi-Ho, bending to speak quietly, close to her ear: "Ask me again when you have more than half a brain."

Ara, pliant and sleepy: "Okay, Master, I will. Jitters, get his..." she falls asleep mid-sentence. Gi-Ho slows to a stop and gently lifts his hands. Ara leans onto Bail's side in her sleep.

Jitters goes to the coat rack and takes Ara's comm unit from a pocket in her outer robe and takes it to Gi-Ho. "She'd like your comm code."

Gi-Ho: "Are you her secretary or something?"

Jitters: "Or something, Master." Once the information is inputted, Jitters places Ara's comm unit on top of her guitar case and goes back to his seat.

Kressa to Jitters, excited but quiet: "Are you in service now?"

Jitters: "We're still working out the k--ah, the details, but yeah, pretty much. It's not formalized yet, we'd have told y--"

Kressa gives Jitters a crushing hug. Jitters squeaks and Kressa lets him go. Quinlan gives Jitters a thumbs-up. Bail pretends to not know what any of that means.

Quinlan to Bail, whispering: "I can carry her to her quarters. She lives on this floor."

Bail: "She's fine where she is, I don't mind." He looks down at her, but all he sees is her hair, up in a messy bun in preparation for Gi-Ho's shoulder massage. His chin brushes the top of her messy bun, and he rubs his cheek against the soft curls.

Ara, mumbling in her sleep: "Did you just smell my hair?"

The whole room goes silent. Bail looks mortified and straightens as much as he can. Gi-Ho, about to leave, turns around.

Ara: "Yes, you did." Amused looks all around. "Battlemaster Hair-Sniffer," she singsongs. Most of the room's occupants are covering their mouths so as not to wake Ara (or Obi-Wan) with their laughter. After a long pause: "No, I'm a salty bitch. Kenobi is a sassy bitch."

Now there's a recursive giggle loop going on, and Bail's shoulders are shaking with laughter, which wakes Ara up.

Ara, confused: "Wha?" More quiet laughter. She can tell that she's the object of the laughter, and she can also tell that that it's not meant in an unkind way. "I was talking in my sleep, wasn't I?"

Several people nod.

Ara, sighing: "What'd I say?" Nobody speaks up. "Jitters, what did I say in my sleep?"

Jitters, matter-of-factly: "'Did you just smell my hair? Yes, you did. Battlemaster Hair-Sniffer. No, I'm a salty bitch. Kenobi is a sassy bitch.' And then you woke up."

Ara looks up at Bail, and self-consciously sits up. "Does that sound right?"

Bail, as matter-of-fact as Jitters just was: "Word for word."

Ara, looking at Jitters: "I figured. Well done." Jitters smiles and blushes but doesn't duck his head.

Ara, to Bail: "Sorry for conking out on you like that, um...how should I address you?"

Bail: "Prince Bail or just Bail is fine. No need for formalities here. And don't worry about it... (not sure where to go with this)

====

Another part:

Kressa: "Huh, you've hit on just about everyone in this room."

Ara: "Just about but not quite. I haven't hit on Master Si, or Master Bes, or Master Tahl, or Obi-Wan, or Princess Rouge, or Just Bail, or Master Yoda--though I'll admit those last two are more of a 'not yet.'"

[addition 2/6/24] Quinlan: "You didn't proposition Master Tahl? That's surprising."

Tahl: "She's judging me by the company I keep." [AN: She's Qui-Gon Jinn's primary partner in the ATLL series. She dies in the Jedi Apprentice books, but a lot of fix-it fics have her survive. Also she was blinded during the JA series.]

Ara: "I'm shrugging politely but unapologetically." [/addition]

(The Force is Ara's best wingman. She's been interested in Master Gi-Ho for like three years now, but the Force only nudged her towards him and not away this time. Ara suspects that when the Force tells her to wait like she had to for Battlemaster Drallig [or anyone who's more than ten years older than her], that she's waiting for the person in question to see her as an adult.)

====

(Kressa trying to keep the amused look off her face in Master Drallig's lightsaber clinic. Drallig pulls her aside to ask what's so funny, and Kressa just says, "Knight Melnau talks in her sleep." Drallig: "Say no more. For the love of the Force, say no more.")